All couples argue. It's not only normal, but can be healthy for your relationship. Still, there are a few issues many of us fight about that don't need to cause as much stress as they do.
I've read somewhere about a lady named Lisa Brookes Kift, a marriage and family therapist, says disagreements in any relationship are inevitable, but that working through issues productively is a choice. Here she offers her insight into the five things you should stop fighting about in your relationship this fall – and how best to do so.
1. Misunderstandings
If you've ever lashed out at your significant other only to realize you've jumped to the wrong conclusion, you're not alone. "Much of what couples get into tiffs about revolves around miscommunication," explains Brookes Kift. "One person feels hurt or angry by what they believe the other meant by something."
Very often the very thing that caused the anger is not even accurate. The solution is to check in with your partner about what you assumed he or she meant. "Give them a chance to clarify," she says. "If more couples made a habit of this, there would be far more relationship harmony."
It sounds like a simple solution, but when making assumptions, people often react first before checking in, which can cause unnecessary spats.
2. Insecurities and lack of emotional safety
I've also read that was noted by Brookes Kift that some couples have no idea that they are ultimately fighting because they don't feel secure with each other. Not experiencing your partner as a safe haven tends to cause distress that can show up in a lot of ways, especially in arguments.
"Emotional safety, in my definition, is about feeling prioritized, respected, validated and loved. Couples who have this basic foundation in place benefit with the sense of knowing they are on solid ground together," she explains.
The solution is to get educated on the elements of a safe and secure relationship and to discuss what each of your needs are and what buttons not to push.
"Make it a priority to know what each other's emotional wounds are, and be sensitive to them," she says.
3. Time spent together
People often come together in a relationship with different levels of expectations of how much "me" and "we" time they need.
"This often becomes a point of contention, particularly when one person has an expectation of more than the other," says Brookes Kift. "It's important that both are validated."
It's important to try to strike a balance that allows both parties to feel loved, but to also have a sense of independence within the relationship. "Be open to listening to each other about your needs. Find ways to honour them both and compromise," she advises.
4. Communication
I've written this in one of my post previously and i believe this should be one of the strong basis that couples should have with each other.
This one always surprises me. Women love to talk. They talk to our girlfriends constantly; they’re always on the phone to our mother, bitching to co-workers, complaining to our boss. WHY is it when it comes to relationships, these communication skills go straight out the window?!
How many times have girlfriends come to me complaining about how they’re pissed at their man because he’s fucked something up? And when I ask if they told their significant other why they’re pissed, the usual response is “No – he should already KNOW why I’m mad.” or "No - he should already KNOW what I want or what to do".
Ah, are you dating a psychic? Can he read your mind? Unless you are, then here’s the kicker – no man is going to know you’re mad, or why you’re mad unless you actually tell him.
You want him to go down on you a certain way? Remember that men are won't know when it comes to eating girls out – vaginas are like a really hard Sudoku puzzle and no man can figure out the ideal combination. Some girls like two fingers here, one thumb in there and tongue going in a counterclockwise direction, other girls like a fist in once and just a knuckle in the other.
What I’m trying to say is that every girl is different, so if you want to enjoy sex and stop faking your orgasms, or want him to give a helping hand on something for you, then you need to communicate what you want.
5. Lack of responsibility
It's easier to point the finger than it is to take ownership over anything you might do that causes tension in your relationship.
Brookes Kift said, "The real skill is being able to hold up a mirror to your own behaviour and not only own it, but offer a relationship repair if damage has been done"
Make a habit of asking yourself what your role is in any regular arguments that occur. "Mindful reflection on this matter can reduce blame and provide a more balanced perspective on a matter that may very well involve both partners," she advises.
"There are many potential stumbling blocks for couples, some you may not have even considered," says Kift. It's important to be aware of the root cause of an issue so you can come up with a solution before the argument gets out of hand. Being in a relationship is all about working through things as a team, not against one another.
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